Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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