he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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