Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
No, we just ended up walking around in his pool high and singing songs by The Wiggles.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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