help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize