I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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