I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Randomize
