Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
