Betty ford says i'm here all night
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Randomize
