I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Randomize
