If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He's eating a cream cheese sandwich. He's obviously distressed.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
