Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
Randomize
