TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
