I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
