Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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