his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I'm sobbing to NWA
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
