I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
it only takes four glasses of wine for me to ride an elephant with a stranger.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
