She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
