Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
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