Just took my morning after pill in the library
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
