i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
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