Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
Randomize
