Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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