i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
