also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
are you the reason the first floor girls' bathroom smells like weed?
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
