i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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