If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
