At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
