So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
she kept yelling 'call me bella'
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Randomize
