Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I brought my porn computer to class by accident
How much porn do you watch if you need a special computer?
Randomize
