I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
Randomize
