Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
