i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
