I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
We are trying to penis chicken awkward them out. But I think it's a gay wedding. Backfiring. Heavily.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Randomize
