the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I have fence marks all over my body
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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