I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
