At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
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