The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
