If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
it was all good until mid make out when he announced 'i just came'. ...he wasn't joking.
Randomize
