I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
So drunk. Washed my hair un pancheros sink cus I was so hot.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
