I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
bought even stevens on dvd and enough weed and pizza bagels to last us a week.. ready to get snowed in?
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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