Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Houston, we have a blender
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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