chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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