Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
