I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize