you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
