exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
Vaguely remember? You pushed George and two other fellas out the way to hug me, screamed gandalf before chugging your beer and smashing the bottle on the floor. I lolled.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
