Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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