K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
