i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
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