just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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