i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
