Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Randomize
