He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
I don't care how hot she was. She didn't like Scooby Doo and I don't fuck with that.
Randomize
