He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
