Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
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