Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
