i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I'm on this new diet called "I have 10$ till next Friday, I have rice
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Randomize
