True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
